Today sweety finally got the puppy webcam that I've send him... I was reallly happy to hear him say that. I worked so hard to get him his webcam, just so I can see his smile.  Every tho I went throught alot of trouble getting it for him, I know it would be so worth it...

but because of it... we got in to a fight...

for the first time... I scared him...

the way he sounded... it hurst so much to see him so scared of me...

what's happening to me...? am I going back to the me I hate...? am I losing my self agian...?

why does everything suddenly seems to fall apart when I've just become one again...?

what am I doing wrong...?

I started to cry right after seeing how my baby was scared of me...

how will I ever face him ever again..?

him.... being scared of me... is the last thing I want him feel around me....

all I wanted to do was see his smile... is that too much to ask...? how did things ended up like this...?

I'm so scared to face him again... the way he was talking to me... I feel like a monster...

I'm so scared to hurt him.... I'm so scared to be with him... so scared... what am I suppse to do...? oh someone... plz help me... I really don't want to break down ever again...

plz... hlep me...

T_T I'm sad... and mad... ;_; *sniff* and upset... ;_; *sniff sniff* and and... *WAHHHHHH~* >.<

Baka Neko! >.< Your mean! and Rude! >.< And and... ;_; Your just a plain old baka! >_<

;_; *very sad and upset*

My Baka Neko has a family party to go to today, he has one every year.  He never told me what time the party starts... Yesterday he said he wakes up everyday like he always does. So I expected him to be up by now... over here's 2:oo, so his time would be around 9:oo... I wanted to talk to him and make sure he was ok, because yesterday he hurt him self... and I didn't know how badly it was... and I was worried all day... After he had told me that yesterday. I didn't go back to sleep. I couldn't, cuz he didn't tell me anthing before he loged off, he also didn't tell me "goodnight" or "bye" or anything... he was just... gone...

I was so worried, I waited... and waited... and waited... he didn't come back online...

so then I guess he went to sleep... after being hurt so much, he must of been really tired...o_o;;

I have to go around 3:oo to my christmas party.. and won't be back untill very late... I want to talk to him and make sure he's ok before I go...

so I called him... and didn't know he was still sleeping... and when I talked to him...

Baka: hello..? *very angery because was just woken up and is still very sleep*

Mony: hi ^^ *happy to hear him okie*

Baka: *growls* <~ he really didn't want to talk to me

Mony: *scared* .....;; r-r-are u still sleeping...? ;_;;; Oh my godish.. I'm sorry~!! >_<

Baka: .......

Mony: well, u didn't tell me when your party is... and and... >> u said ur always up at this time... >>;; so so... >.< I thought u would be up~ ><

Baka: .....

Mony: ... hello...?

Baka: ......

Mony: ..... hello? Helloooo~ did u hang me up...? o.o

Baka: ....

Mony: hello...?

Baka: *hangs up*

phone: *beep beep beep*

Mony: ......;;

end

so ya... now I'm sad and upset and very mad >.< I was so worried and he... ;_; said nothing but a "hi" and growled at me...

;_;

and I was so worried too! >.<

How can he be so mean and rude?!

*sigh*... ;_;

well... he did got hurt yesterday... and... he is very upset... and mad... and still feel lost... and... is not himself anymore... and... it's... not really his fault... so....

but but.. ;_; he still didn't have to.. be so mean... TT^TT

*sigh* guys... what can I say...? right? ;_;

but.. it's not fair~ >_<

*humph* >_< see if I'll ever call him again!!! >_<

unless he says sorry... o.o

but other then that.... >.< no way am I ever going to call him EVER AGAIN!!! T_T

These days I've been sick. Not feeling well, getting an upset tummy, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and I've been losing weight like crazy, lol ^^;; not sure if I should be happy about that or if I should be worried? Well, I have been trying to eat, so that's good, but I can't even eat half of what I usually eat. *sigh* -_-;;

~*~*~*~*~*~

Today I'm I little sad. Because My Baka Neko has start to really lose him self.  Well, I can't say that he has lost him self... because he hasn't really. Hmm... how should I say this..? He's starting to find him self... but he doesn't know it? lol and he has kind of lost his fath in love.  He's just really tired of love now. He kinds of want to break down.  So he says he does not love, does not love anyone anymore, and has closed his heart to everyone.  He said everything is too late now. I know how much it hurts him, how sad he is, how he's just about to reach the core of the darkness. 

I've taken way too long to get too 100%. Now, I am 100%, I have to hurry and bring him out. I've almost lost him today. My Baka Neko was once again hurting him self exactly how he was when I first met him.

I know he still cares some where deep deep DEEEEEEP down in his heart. There's still this very small gap opened up for me.  Most people would think of that as a hopeless chance.  I mean, come on, a gap? and he has already given up on himself, so why should I bother? right? but your wrong. I believe this is a chance given to me from my sweety pie.  I feel like I can hear him cry out, 'Someone... plz save me...', I can hear him wanting to break free. He wants to come back into the warm bright light where it had made him feel safe before. He's trying very hard to pull him back together.  Darkness is taking over him, and he doesn't know what to do.

So he says mean things, hurt him self, trying to get away from all the pain... but in the end, he's still lost in the darkness world. I'm so sorry sweety.  I wasn't thinking. Before it was just about me and my gf, and I didn't think about how ur truly feeling inside. We must of broke your heart so much. we were fighting over him so much now he's starting to break..

For now, it's going to be all about My Baka Neko. All about u, and only you. I want to break you free, make you feel safe, be with you forever and ever, and always take care of you.  I don't ever want to make you feel alone anymore. You have been alone for so long... too long... I'll always be with you Sweety. 

I just hope My Baka Neko would never hurt him self anymore.  I really don't want to lose him. But if Baka Neko does ever lose himself, then know this... I'll be right behind him... Because I love him, because he's No.1 in my heart, because... I don't ever want him to feel alone anymore... Not now, not ever again. I'll always be with you.

~ I Love You My Baka Neko ~

Words don't mean anything with out action.  I'll bring him back and show him just exactly how much I love him. Keep that gap open for me Baby~ I'll make it bigger!! >_<

I wonder how long is my baby plan to sleep untill? it's already 1:45pm here, and he's still not up, so that's his.. 8:45am o.o he might of been tired from staying up last nigth...? we did kind of fight yesterday... he must be out of engery from all that. I miss him~! >_< Sweetie~ *sits next to My Sleepy Baka Neko* Wakie Wakie~!! *shakes her baka neko* >_< *puff her cheeks* Mony miss her Baka Neko!! *shakes her Baka Neko harder* >.< Wake up and talk to me~! TT^TT *sees no reaction* >_>;; fine then... I'll just have fun MY way >_>;; * takes out her markers like jinjaling puff* TA-DA~!! ^.^ *lay down on her tummy on the bed next to her KAWAIIIII~ Baka Neko and starts duddling all over her Baka Neko's face and make him look like a kitty* la la la~ ^^ *duddle duddle duddle* ^.^ *duddles in the wiskers* Tee-Hee X3 *duddle's in the nose* =3 and now the final touch... *puts at ear head band on Baka Neko's Head* Awwww~!! >//////< KAWAII~!!! >//////< *pinches y our cheeks softly*

MWHAHAHA~ >=D

...... o.o;;

that's what u get for not waking up >_>;; *

*wiggles your cheeks up and down softly*

^.^ but I still love u~!! ^.^

*looks u* ^//////^ so cute~ <3

*take pictures of u and sells them on E-bay*

yay ^^ I got money~ ^^

lol XD Mony got Money~!! ^^

See~!

You can sell your cuteness~ =D

At school right now... didn't sleep at all last night, and I miss my baka neko dearly!! >.< I wonder what he's doing right now... maybe sleeping...? idk... I'm so close to being a 100% now. I know I can get there by tomorrow!! >_< He keeps on telling me that I don't need to rush... but I can't help like I have to! >.< This is my one and only chance to prove to him that I can be my self again.  Once this chance has been missed how do I know that if I'll ever get it again? I worked so hard to get my self back right now, and I'm not about to lose this chance!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I think I scared My sweety last night. o.o;; maybe I should take a step back. I don't want to scare him or hurt him. I just wanted to show him that I've changed back... and I think over the pass few months.. he's kind of forgot the old me~ TT^TT well... o_o;; I don't blame him.. I've alomst forgotten about myself also... I'm sorry my hunnie bunny~ >.< I didn't mean to scare u~!! >.< I promise to take it slow from now on. because I think I am kind of rushing to get back with him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now that'm 85% myself again, I'm sure I can be myself by the end of this week. And what's even better is, I can finally fix my baka neko~! ^.^ Hopfully I can fix him by the end of Dec or start of Jan.  I may of rushed myself back to be 100% me again. but I don't want to rush him. I love him ever so much, and I don't ever want to force him to do anything he doesn't feel confirtable with.  Cuz that's just plain mean~! >_< he has his own paist and I have mine.  that's y we're differnt, some times it takes people a couple of days, and sometimes it takes the a couple of weeks, months, years... or even forever! >_< I can wait for my Sweety Pie ^^ So take as long as u want ^^ because I love u and I'll always be here waiting for u~!! ^.^ *happy happy happy*